sadness continued

Death sucks.

My great-aunt is the youngest of 6 siblings and as such is predictably the last one alive. She was born in 1929 while my grandmother, her sister, was the oldest child and born in 1917. My grandmother passed nine years ago. Somedays it feels like yesterday. Most days I forget she’s not with us anymore – it’s like she’s still in her house in Brooklyn and I could go see her or call her anytime I want. Then I remember and I miss her. It’s selfish – It’s not about what she’s missing out on – it’s about what I can’t share with her – What I can’t learn from her – What stories I’m never going to hear. Can you imagine being 13 years old during The Great Depression?! She was from another era and she was wonderful. I miss her a lot.

My great-aunt was 12 years younger than my grandmother. When grandma passed, my great-aunt was still relatively young. In the intervening years, she’s gotten older and began looking a LOT like my grandmother as she aged. It was so hard for be sitting at her bedside yesterday, hearing my cousins call her grandma, not to give in and call her that too. Thankfully, she’s lucid (my grandmother wasn’t, toward the end) so she told us stories of her childhood and of her siblings. Stories that otherwise would be lost. Some of the questions I couldn’t bring myself to ask…

What was Coney Island like during “the war”? What did you do when all of your brothers left to enlist? Did you go to high school? How about college? What did you do for a living? How did you handle losing your 39 year old husband to lukemia when the youngest of your 4 children was only 5? Do you have any regrets? Is there anything else you need to do?

My mother didn’t cry until the last few minutes. I still haven’t cried. My great-aunt seemed so ready. She’s refusing to go to the hospital. She’s allowing people to come visit, to come say goodbye. I don’t want her to go. Again, it’s selfish. I didn’t really know my great-aunt but I’ll miss being with her to hear her stories of my grandmother and of her mother. Her face looks like what I remember love looking like. I think I know the next time I’ll see her and I hate it. I miss my grandma and my grandpa and Philip and David and and and …

I should be grateful for having loved so much but I look around and ahead at all the loss to come and it’s so overwhelming. I think I’ll bring my crayons to TES tonight. I need some bright waxy colors to remind me of the happiness in life. Anyone have a puppy I could smush on? Just kidding – I’ll go cuddle my dogs and cats and get my crayons. No worries here – I know this is just a temporary reaction and all will be better when it passes. Thanks for your concern. Really, no new puppies needed.